Update from inside of the hospital

I had my surgery yesterday (Monday March 30, 2015) and I'm doing great so far.

I'm on stage one, clear liquids only. So far I've eaten sugar free popsicles, sugar free jello, propel water, and chicken broth.

I got my second tray just a few minutes ago it's all so much to get down. I didn't finish my other broth or my first water yet lol.I did manage to finish my jello & the popsicles I was given when I took my pain meds earlier.

This whole hospital stay hadn't been too bad so far.

I did have a panic attack & meltdown last night. I was in a double room which was extremely uncomfortable for me. And my heart rate was so high it was setting off warnings on the machines.

Once I realized what was happening and I told the staff they found me a single room as quickly as possible and gave me meds for my panic attack.

Now I'd like to explain a full on panic attack using my heart rate and hospital stay as a reference. As well as describing my reaction to events that may seem to others like not such a big deal:

First off all I was away from home, cut up, in pain, hooked up to machines, & my family had gone home. I have just gone through with a life changing decision. And to top it all off I was hungry and thirsty. Well with it being bypass surgery I was more hungry when I came in that morning but not so much after the surgery. Although I certainly was thirsty. (And due for my panic meds, which are only really for the amount of anxiety I have on a normal basis.) Another way to put that is even though I consciously knew and mass this decision willingly, my subconscious mind was trying to defend it's self and make sense of an attack. All while hoped up on pain killers.

So in my first room my roommate talked and grumbled in her sleep. Logically there shouldn't be anything frightening about that but it terrified me. I'd jump when she would start up or get louder. Basically every time she made a noise.

I know she couldn't help it, but that doesn't matter in a panic attack. All that mattered was that it frightened me.

There were also people that visited her that argued with her and were rude and mean. Also terrifying. They kept looking at me which also scared me. I think they scared me so much because I was completely defenseless aside from the call a nurse button by my side. Although the button wouldn't help me if I couldn't get to it.

 Now that is fear for someone with PTSD especially when it comes from being the victim of a crime in which you were defenseless, like a childhood rape survivor such as myself. (Maybe it's even terrifying for everyone, I wouldn't know like I said I'm a childhood rape survivor do that is the pov I have)

Most of what I'm trying to point out her it's that there are actual physical, measurable side affects to panic attacks. They are different than being nervous or a little scared. They are irrational, and